


We Were Made to Break

by alexfckingnovak



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Canon Lesbian Character, Coming Out, Dystopian World, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Fiction, i would die for my own characters yes i would, its pretty sad, this is my first original work posted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 15:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexfckingnovak/pseuds/alexfckingnovak
Summary: Look, I know it’s not fanfiction, but it is really important to me. This talks about serious issues in our own world that need to be addressed, like social hierarchy, homophobia, the dangers of being outed, mental health awareness, and so on.I really hope you give it a chance, ily all!





	We Were Made to Break

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: referenced suicide and implied suicide at the end, and it does get really sad at some points. You have been warned.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy!! Please leave a comment telling me your thoughts :)

The rain seemed to be heavier that day, weighing on Astrid’s shoulders as she walked into the Center. Good things never came from days like these; minutes blend into hours and before you know it you’re staring out of the window during last block and you can’t remember a single thing that happened. Days like these happen more and more often lately, and just going through the motions is becoming more and more comfortable.

She only had four blocks today, two of which she shared with friends. The Center was where kids were sent to learn about the world until they could perform their jobs effectively. As a white female, Astrid took various medical classes, as well as family life classes. From a young age it had been seared into her mind, _ people like you _ , Astrid, _ are meant to be nurses _. When she was younger it bothered her that she never got a say in her future, but lately she hasn’t cared. What’s the point in caring if you’re never going to be able to change anything?

The first bell rang, pulling her back from the dark corner of her mind. Blinking away the exhaustion in her eyes, she walked up the cinderblock steps towards her first class. As she rounded a corner Iva bounced into view, looking spotless as always. No matter the weather, her chestnut brown hair remained curled and her uniform pristine. She darted artfully through the crowd and stopped at Astrid’s side, forcing her into a hug.

“Hey! How was your weekend?” She let go of Astrid and instead linked arms, practically dragging her towards the family life classroom.

“It was okay.”

“Well, I spent the whole day outside climbing the trees behind my house, my mother wasn’t home, so she couldn’t tell me-” Iva’s face contorted and she raised her voice to a mocking tone, “_ climbing trees is a boy’s activity, Iva, and you are a girl. _”

“That sounds cool.”

“It was! I only got two branches off the ground but it was absolutely exhilarating. I tore a little bit of my dress when I jumped down, but I was able to sew it back together like it never happened.” Iva dropped Astrid’s arm and turned into the classroom, not waiting to hear her response. 

Astrid stood there for a moment, watching her disappear into the far corner of the room, before walking towards her female anatomy class. She glared fiercely at the colorful posters decorating the otherwise bland walls as she turned down yet another hallway. She decided long ago that whoever said to put up posters encouraging people’s complacency deserved to be fired. The Lower Status have the right to revolt, the System was bull from the start anyway.

Astrid turned into her class and walked over to her desk, located in the back right corner. Reaching under her seat she pulled out her notebook, edges worn from use, and a black pencil. She sat and stared dazedly at the slideshow, as if she was watching the lesson unfold from behind a wall of glass. Her teacher, Ms. Sinclair, was a withering old woman of dark color. No matter the day she always had on a blinding smile, but if you look closer you would see that it never quite reached her eyes.

Within what felt like minutes the day was over, and Astrid was sitting on the roof with her friends, staring intensely at the dark sky. She briefly noticed that the rain had stopped, and the rooftop was almost dry. Iva and Esther were sitting to her left, gossiping about some unfortunate soul, while Jett and Ravi were fighting near the edge. Wren was the only other one sitting in silence. Astrid turned to study her friends, as if calculating something in her head. Iva, unsurprisingly, was still just as immaculate and hair just as bouncy. Her eyes were cold but her smile was bright, perfectly aligned teeth on full display. Esther was sitting cross legged across from her, blouse slightly wrinkled and pants dusty from the ground, but her hair still tied in a perfect knot at the nape of her neck.

Further away from them Jett had Ravi pinned to the ground, ringlets of black hair falling into his face. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and the top button was undone, leaving his tie hanging loosely around his neck. Ravi, somehow getting the upper hand, flipped them over so he was sitting on Jett’s stomach while pinning his wrists above his head. However, his victory was short lived, as Jett thrashed rapidly against the ground and managed to shove Ravi off with a final grand motion. The two laid next to each other breathless, and it was a while until Jett stood up, muttering ‘I win’ as he helped pull Ravi from the concrete. Ravi, as Iva so often said, ‘has dark everything,’ but Astrid didn’t see it that way. His skin tone was a dark brown, and hair an even darker black, but his kindness was brighter than anything Iva could produce.

Turning away from the boys she looked to her right, eyes landing on Wren. She had always been the quiet one of the group, preferring to sit back and watch instead of participate. Astrid liked that about her. Today, her fiery red hair was pulled back into a swirling braid that coiled behind her head. Her soft grey eyes stared intently at the light peeking from clouds, and Astrid noticed just how wonderfully the sun kissed her skin. Light freckles dotted Wren’s face and forearms, and her thin cupid bow lips quirked up in the corners, forming a breathtaking smile.

As if broken from a trance Astrid turned away, face burning and mind raging. This was wrong. Every part of her knew that those thoughts were sinful and yet her heart urged her to dwell on it some more. She spent so many restless nights and tiresome days thinking over and over again, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be like Iva, cold and emotionless? From a young age she knew she wasn’t the same as everyone else, but it wasn’t until her teenage years that she was brave enough to figure it out. All it took was one night, one kiss, one breakdown, and one realization, for it all to make sense. 

She liked girls.

For months she tortured herself over it, making excuses and false reasons as to why she couldn’t. She couldn’t like girls, because liking girls means that she would become one of the Lower Status, and she could not do that to her family. She couldn’t disappoint them with the cruel reality that even _ she _ tried so desperately to run from. White gay men like Jett make up the bottom of the Upper Status, below men of color, white women, and white men. She would be the only member of her group down there. How was that fair? It’s tolerable for boys to like boys, but if a girl likes another girl it’s seen as disgraceful?

Astrid looked up to see Iva staring directly at her, eyes burning holes into her soul. With a forced smile and a wave Astrid was able to deter her wave of questions, and went back to looking at the sky. It was getting darker now, but there was still enough light to make out the details on everyone’s face. Ravi and Jett were standing by the exit, clearly getting ready to leave for their houses, and the ground next to Iva was empty, meaning that Esther had already left. Next to go was Wren, mumbling something about needing to cook dinner for her brothers as the door slammed shut behind her. Carefully, Astrid moved closer to Iva, filling the space that Esther left. Almost immediately, Iva started talking.

“You will not _ believe _ what happened to me today,” she said, voice echoing off the rooftop. Astrid clenched her fists and swallowed the lump in her throat, looking the other girl in the eyes.

“I have something to say.” The words came out broken and drifted quietly through the air. Iva barely paid her any mind as she continued on with her elaborate tale. Gaining more confidence, Astrid cleared her throat and raised her voice in a more commanding tone.

“I have something important to say, do you want to hear it or not.” Iva was silent, taken aback at Astrid’s demeanor. She was sitting up straight, hands gripping her knees tightly as she sat cross legged on the concrete. After a moment of confusion Iva nodded. Entirely unprepared and extremely terrified, Astrid wiped her palms across her black dress pants, and started fiddling with the ends of her hair.

“Before I tell you, you need to promise me something.” She spoke in a hushed tone, similar to that of a child telling a secret. 

“Anything.” Iva said, getting more and more eager.

“You can not tell anyone what I say here, understood?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Looking up to the lights appearing in the sky, Astrid continued, “I like girls.” She waited with baited breath, fear turning her blood cold and crushing her heart. If you listened hard enough, she was sure you’d be able to hear it pounding out of her chest. After a while of silence, Iva spoke again.

“So like, you have a crush on me?” Astrid’s head whirled around, confusion with an undertone of disgust evident on her face.

“No! God, no. I just like girls in general, not you.” Her voice was loud, words shattering the silence of moments before. Iva scoffed and rolled her eyes. 

“Well no need to get so rude about it.” She stood, wiping the dirt off her pants and straightening her shirt, pressing out all the wrinkles. Smiling pitifully down at Astrid she turned on her heel and walked towards the door. “I don’t care about the choices you make in your life, Astrid.” She let the door slam shut behind her.

The stars were burning bright in the sky by the time Astrid lifted herself from the ground and walked to the maintenance door, moving quietly down the dark stairwell. The hallways were cold without the people filling the space, the only source of light coming through the windows. Her footsteps echoed through the building, heeled black shoes clicking against the shining tiled floor. She stepped out onto the asphalt of the parking lot, staring tiredly at the empty spots. Only the Highest Status were allowed to park here, the rest had to find another lot further from the Center. Astrid tucked her stray hairs behind her ear and walked forwards, ignoring the shadows creeping after her.

By the time she reached her house the morning sun was breaking, peeking just over the horizon. Before turning into her house she cast one last glance back, watching as the sunlight melted into the deep blue, creating a beautiful blend of oranges and yellows. She locked the door behind her.

Within an hour of getting into bed she was getting out of it, walking down the stairs to the bathroom. In 15 minutes she was ready to leave, hair brushed back into a hair tie and blouse newly pressed. Her mother, having left for the hospital shortly after Astrid got home, took the umbrella with her. Astrid stared out the window, watching as the rain poured from the sky, lightning coming from the hillsides. With a deep breath she turned the doorknob and sprinted through the storm. Her neighborhood was about a mile and a half away from the Center, and by the time she got there her hair was a mess and her white shirt was practically transparent.

As soon as she walked into the main hall all eyes were on her, some going as far as to whisper to their friends while looking in her direction. Assuming it was her appearance, Astrid ran to the women's room and grabbed as many paper towels as possible, before locking herself in one of the stalls. She stripped furiously, wiping at herself with the towels and wringing out her clothes. When she finally emerged from the bathroom, her shirt was wrinkled and her pants stuck to her legs in some areas, hanging limply in others. She flattened her hair back and put on a smile, ignoring everyone's stares. As she walked towards her medical history class girls whispered around her, giggling with their friends.

“I heard she’s a lesbian.”

“Didn’t someone say she kissed a girl at a party?”

“No, we would’ve known! That has to be made up.”  
“I think she did.”

Pure terror stopped Astrid in her tracks, she squeezed her eyes closed and listened harder to what people were saying. It didn’t take long for her to realize that they were all talking about the same person, the same girl, _ her _. She practically sprinted to her class, muttering apologies as she bumped into people walking by. When she reached her class she was out of breath and even more disheveled, but the whispers never stopped. They followed her, from hallway to classroom. She spent her whole life running from this, and now it seems she has nowhere to go.

Halfway through her first block Astrid’s name was called on the loudspeaker, telling her to go to the Status Center. Her heart dropped to her stomach as she stood, walking slowly towards the grey brick building behind the anatomy wing. The storm had worsened, sky flashing a brilliant white before crashing down around her with a thunderous boom. The Status Center was the place where everyone was assigned their classes and careers, for example, all straight white men took the legal classes, preparing to govern over a specific area. It was required for all females to take a family life class, teaching them how to raise their kid, the to-dos and not to-dos.

The inside was lit by a single fluorescent light strip, hanging from the ceiling by its wires. Behind the front desk was a man sitting in a wheelchair, he looked up as he heard the door closed. Astrid hovered awkwardly by the entrance, dripping water onto the cream colored tiles. Eventually, the man wheeled out from behind the desk and motioned with his head for her to follow him. Leading them back through the dimly lit corridors he dropped her off in front of a weathered wooden door. She knocked on the door, holding her breath as the voice within yelled for her to enter.

The office walls were painted white, as was the floor and every other surface in it. The only splash of color was the potted plant sitting on the man’s desk. It was no larger than her fist, and appeared to be prickly. The man himself was an adult, probably late 40s, and he was wearing braces on both his wrists and fingers. Taking the plastic seat across from him, they stared at each other in silence. Finally, the man spoke.

“My name is Mr. Sakasta, my job is to update the Status of each child that goes through this Center.” He reached for the manilla folder sitting on his desk and opened it, flicking through the papers. “I’ve heard from multiple sources that you like women, is that true?” Astrid swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to form a sentence.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so? I mean, I don’t know if I’d label it like that though- you know?” She fumbled over her words, getting quieter the longer she spoke. Mr. Sakasta looked up from the papers and stared her down, considering his words carefully.

“Ms. Rosae, I am going to have to move you down to the Lower Status, I’m sure you’re aware this comes along with your decision.” She flinched and nodded. Why did everyone tell her it was a choice? Why would anyone want to choose a life like this? The man handed her three papers, one was her new class list, the next was a description of her classes and her career, and the final was a letter explaining why she was moved down.

“I think you’ll find that you’re much happier in these classes. Have a good day.” He said, turning back to his paperwork. She stared a little longer before rising and turning towards the door. Iva must have told everyone. She rushed back inside the Center, looking at her schedule to see the new class she’d be attending, Basic Study of the Culinary Arts. Her heart fell at the thought of working in a hot, poorly ventilated kitchen for the rest of her life. However, she made her way towards the class, following the signs hung from the ceiling.

By the time the end of the day rolled around Astrid was furious. She’d had plenty of time to simmer, and now she was ready to explode. She ran through the halls towards Iva’s last class, and from there to the stairs leading to the roof. She caught Iva at the doorway, grabbing her arm and dragging her towards an empty hallway. Once they were alone Astrid turned to stare her in the face, fury flashing through her eyes.

“What did you do.” Her voice was low, and a loud crash of thunder came from outside.

“I just did what I had to do.” Iva stated, staring at her nails.

“I trusted you!” Astrid yelled, letting her anger boil over. Iva stared at her, in shock.

“There’s nothing wrong about being of Lower—“ Iva was cut off by Astrid’s cry.

“So what!” The words tore from her throat as she stormed towards Iva, giving in completely to her fury. “I don’t care if you think it’s okay! I don’t care if you think you are right!” She planted herself dangerously close to Iva’s face, and lowered her voice to a fierce whisper, “The damage is already done.” Iva stumbled back in time with the thunder, cruel realization falling upon her face.

“_ Done? _ You think it’s done?” She said, incredulously. “Astrid, you poor girl,” Iva steps back up, an air of arrogance about her, “the real show hasn’t even started yet.” 

Astrid opened her mouth to respond as soon as another rolling wave of thunder hit, shaking the building. She stood infuriated as Iva strutted away from her, acting as if nothing even happened. In a fit of rage she turned and slammed her fist into the wall, screams resonating through the empty halls. The skin of her knuckles split and blood smeared across the wall, deeply contrasting the sterile white polish of the concrete. She flicked the blood dripping from her fingers and grabbed her bag, walking out onto the asphalt. 

She should’ve expected her parents to get the phone call; it’s the legal duty of The Center to update the societal status of each kid under its care and tell their guardians. She knew there would be repercussions, but she was not prepared to find her clothes boxed up on the front porch, soaked from the rain. 

Fear swallowed Astrid whole as she walked up to the front door. She went to grab the handle before rethinking, and instead walked over to the window, peering through the curtains. At first, there was nothing but the faint sound of shouting accompanied by the blood rushing in her ears, until her mother walked into view. She was still in her work uniform, crinkled white apron tied tightly behind her waist and hair pulled back into a neat bun, hidden underneath a brimless white cap. The small red cross branded across her hat was withering, as was her patience. She was pacing around their dining room, gesticulating wildly as she fought with the person on the other side of the phone. Astrid leaned closer, pressing her ear against the cold glass to try and hear what her mother was saying, but she could not make out a single word. 

Dejectedly, she walked over to the door and stepped inside. Almost immediately her mother hung up and stormed out of the room, barely glancing at Astrid. Turning back to the door she grabbed the boxes and brought them inside, trying her best to shake out all of the water. She rubbed her hands down her face, trying to hold back tears. How could everything have gone so wrong?

After putting her bag down she chased after her mom, finding her sitting on a sofa chair in the family room. Her eyes were dead as she stared out the window, forehead creased from years of stress. Sitting down on the couch next to the chair, Astrid stared aimlessly at the floor. Her mom was the first one to break the silence.

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Astrid.” Her words drifted in the silence.

“I’m sorry.” She said, looking up at her mother’s turned head.

“Your father called today. He told me to pack your things and put them outside.”

“But it’s raining.” Astrid retorted, weakly.

“He knows.” She paused, thinking for a moment. “I didn’t want to, but you know how your father gets when we don’t listen to him.” Astrid nodded, looking back to the floor. Her father was never home, only coming back from the City for her birthday. He still kept tabs on her and her mother, though, making sure all was in order.

“What am I going to do?” Astrid asked, looking desperately towards her mother, who refused to look away from the window.

“You will live here for one more week while you figure out another living arrangement. That is all the time I can give you. I’m sorry, honey.” Her mother turned, tired eyes and a drooping frown upon her face. It was clear that she didn’t want to kick Astrid out.

“Why can’t I stay? Because father, a man who I barely know and a man who barely knows me, said so? Can’t you realize how ridiculous that is?” She was panicking now, getting louder and angrier with every word.

“What do you want me to do, Astrid!” Her mom yelled, exasperated. “Stand up to your father? The last time I did that, when your brother…” Her voice trailed off before picking up again, “I was in the hospital for weeks.” Astrid deflated, she remembered every second of that August night. Coming home, her brother motionless on the ground, her parents screaming, crying, sirens, punches thrown and blood shed. She knew exactly what her father was capable of.

“Please,” she croaked, voice thick with emotion. “I have nowhere to go other than here, home, with you.” She watched as her mother stood abruptly, turning towards the stairway to her bedroom.

“Enough of this. You will leave in a week.” Her voice was harsh, cutting through Astrid’s hope like a hot knife through butter. Astrid sat there for an hour, staring at the place where her mother had last been. How was she meant to find another place to stay when no one wanted her anymore? The Higher Status were not allowed to hang out with the Lower Status, and her family was tossing her to the curb. Where could she go? It was moments like these that she missed her brother. No matter why she felt hopeless his kindness was able to lift her out of it. No one ever talks about him, it’s like he never even existed. Erased from the world by his own hand, but that’s what he wanted, right? To leave this place and the System behind and be free. That night changed her life. After that, her father stopped coming back for the weekends. It’s been two years and he still doesn’t, only coming back for her birthday so he can get a happy family photo for the press.

Jett reminded her a lot of her brother, they had the same hair, the same dark sense of humor. Of course, her brother wasn’t gay, but he did struggle with his mental health. Her parents refused to acknowledge it, no matter how bad it got they just shut their eyes and turned their heads. Well, Astrid couldn’t do that. She stood by and watched as he deteriorated, she saw all the signs and yet did nothing to help him, because what could she do? After that night her mother was a ghost around the house. Astrid couldn’t blame her, though, because if it was her, she wouldn’t want to live here either.

She stood, with a newfound sense of calm, and walked towards the bathroom. Leaving a trail of clothing leading towards the door, walking inside in only her underwear and tank top. She paused, looked back at what she could see of her house, and closed the door. Through the walls you could hear the shower head turn on, but if you listened closer you would hear a cabinet open and close, followed by a faint rattling sound. The shower ran all night.

The crisp morning air was broken by the piercing sound of sirens, driving down the road towards the hospital. No one at the Center minded the empty chair towards the back of the class. No one cared about the nameless notebook and sharpened pencil sitting next to it. By midday the sun was out, shining bright in the sky for the first time since the storm. That day was going to be a good day.


End file.
